THE BAYNE EXISTENCE

True story:

One year for Christmas, my sisters and I each got a Cabbage Patch doll. They were supposed to be one of a kind, and came with their own names.

My sisters’ dolls names were: Anna Lee, Susie Grace and Nicole Rose.

Mine was Gonorrhea Lynn.

FOR REAL.

When I read the name to my mom, she FREAKED OUT and demanded that I show her the doll’s birth certificate that it came with. “That is NOT funny, Eliza!”

WTF? I’m 11 years old. How the H would I know what that meant? I knew NOTHING about sexuality other than that one Danielle Steel novel I found at my aunt’s and read in COMPLETE confusion. “His member ? What the hell is a member? Member of what????”

But I digress…

My mom snatched the birth certificate out of my hands, promptly got on the phone with the company and tore into them. I still didn’t see what the problem was. Sounded like a pretty name to me. They apologized profusely and agreed to re-issue a name for my doll.

The new name was Nancy Anne.

But she always remained Gonorrhea to me.