Me watching the first 5 minutes of Harry Potter for the very first time
Me: Who’s that guy? Is that Hogwart?
Him: No. That’s Voldemort.
Me: Oh… OK. Where’s Hogwart?
Him: There isn’t a Hogwart. Hogwart’s is a school.
Me: Oh.
* 1 minute passes.*
Me: OK. So now THIS must be Hogwart’s.
Him: No. They’re at a safe house.
Me: So are Hermione and Harry going to get together OR WHAT?
Him: She’s with the other guy.
Me: THE GINGER????
Him: Yes.
Me: Are you kidding me??? She had her choice of these two dudes and she went with the ginger?? Ridiculous…
Him: Yes. Now watch the movie.
Me: OK. Let me know when they’re at Hogwarts though.
Him: Will you shut up about Hogwarts??
Me: (chanting with my fist in the air) HOG-WARTS! HOG-WARTS! HOG-WARTS!!!
Him: This is worse than watching a movie with a 5 year old…
Me: I have NO IDEA what they’re saying. It’s all incantations and spells. I can’t understand ANY of this mumbo jumbo.
Him: That’s just their accents.
Me: Oh. Can we put the subtitles on then?
Him: Sure.
* 1 minute passes *
Me: Wait- so you mean to tell me that Harry Potter is the ‘chosen one’ who can bend time and space and do all these incredible magic spells, yet he STILL has to wear glasses?
Him: UGH…
Me: Sorry. But if you can FLY IN SPACE, on a freaking BROOM, then you MUST have some kind of spell or Lasik for that shit. I mean Hogwart’s MUST have something like that.
Him: Wow. Just… wow.
Me: Speaking of which. Or should I say WITCH? Ha ha! See what I did there? Are they at Hogwart’s now?
Him: I have no idea. I now officially hate this movie.
