May 2012
6 posts
Baby I'm Bored
Sometimes I’ll see people out with their kids, the parents are so happy and in awe of the amazing creation they have before them. And sometimes I’ll think to myself ’Man. I really want one of those.’
BUT…
…then I think back to that time I saw someone eating a Taco Bell Chalupa for the first time and I thought to myself, ‘Man… I really want one...
4 tags
April 2012
5 posts
How to Win an Argument
Every once in awhile we find ourselves in the middle of a disagreement. Some people would rather live and let live, but sometimes it’s important to hash these things out. Here are a few tips that will ensure that you get your point across:
-Fixate on something just above their head. When they ask what you’re staring at, say nothing and then stare even harder. In the advanced...
Dear Dairy...
So, I have officially been diagnosed with gluten and dairy allergies.
‘Wow. If I couldn’t have bread or dairy, I’d kill myself,’ responded a friend of mine. Yeah… she’s a real keeper.
After years of doctor visits, they had no idea why I was always feeling under the weather. Fibromyalgia? Crohn’s disease? Too much Khloe and Lamar?
But seriously, my...
March 2012
6 posts
4 tags
Why I don't play the lottery
When I was 13 years old, one morning at 6 am, my mom burst through my bedroom door shrieking, ‘Eliza, wake up!!! We won the lottery, Eliza! Wake up!!!’
I lay in bed as my mom flashed me her lottery ticket. ‘We won! We won 3 million dollars! Oh, my God! I can’t believe it!’ she hugged me and then proceeded to bang on my other sisters’ doors one by one.
I...
New & Improved
Whenever I see a product boasting that it is ‘New and Improved,’ I just think to myself…
Well, isn’t that what you thought the FIRST time you put it out? That it was awesome? And then BAM it totally sucked… you got complaints, the ratings weren’t very good and then you PRETTY MUCH HAD to go back to the ol’ drawing board and come up with something that...
Baby Mamas
Look, I have no problem with the pregnant female body being on display. It’s beautiful and nature-y and stuff.
But, the latest cover of Elle magazine featuring a nude Jiffy Pop Jessica? COME ON, Y’ALL. It’s been done.
They could have AT LEAST made the cover a LITTLE different. Like how about facing the other way, for starters?
How about a little fruit hat? Or a bow tie? Or...
February 2012
5 posts
Don’t you hate when you’re listening to a song on the radio and you’re totally digging it and rocking out to it, and frankly, you LOVE IT SO MUCH that you’d marry it?
And then someone tells you that it’s Adam Levine?
And then you panic because you always prided yourself on the fact that you had super cool taste in music.
And so you download it JUST TO MAKE SURE...
Me BEFORE coffee…
Me AFTER coffee…
A golden audition.
One week I was in the waiting room for an audition and a blonde girl sitting beside me asked me how my puppies are doing.
I had no idea what she was talking about.
‘You know. Your golden lab puppies.’
I told her she must have me confused with someone else.
I was lying.
The thing is, I used to audition for a LOT of commercials and I always left them feeling kind of yucky - like...
January 2012
8 posts
OHHHH BILLY...
I always think that going to Ikea is going to be super fun. I’ll get to look at cool quirky Swedish things. Laugh at the names, enjoy the layouts and chow down on some cheap-o meatballs. BORK BORK BORK!!! Ha! Ha! Oh, those crazy Swedes. AM I RIGHT???
But the combination of fluorescent lighting, regurgitated air, and all the Shovey McShoversons who bring their screaming kids to run rampant...
Heavy Metals
Whenever I see these guys on the pier that are painted gold and silver, I always wonder if they started off their first day at the pier BOTH in gold…
Gold Guy #1: HEY! What the hell, man?
Gold Guy #2: What’s your problem, dude?
Gold Guy #1: There ain’t room enough on this pier for TWO gold guys, man.
Gold Guy #2: Then maybe you should go home. And what are you gonna do...
Forever Yours
Oh, how I love Forever 21.
If you’ve never been. It’s glorious!!! The stores are crammed to the hilt with every kind of shirt/pant/scarf/legging/jegging you could possibly imagine.
And most of it’s under 20 bucks! The hell you say!
Some of you may cringe at the thought of buying cheap clothing, but it has its rewards.
Example: Let’s say you want to try out the latest...
December 2011
8 posts
The Runaway
When I was a kid, I went through a phase where I would bi-weekly threaten to ‘run away’ from home.
‘Running Away’ consisted of me loudly announcing ‘I’M RUNNING AWAY!!!’ followed by my gathering some essentials (usually my Glo-Worm doll, some light reading and a few pairs of shoes).
All of this would go into my hobo stick that I had fashioned out of a yardstick and a baby blanket....
The Big Apple of my eye...
Dear New York,
I know we’ve only met a couple of times, and I KNOW it may seem crazy, but I feel like we’re meant to be together -
No - let me finish.
I know you’re not ready for a relationship with me, and maybe it’s just not the right time, but I just can’t get you out of my -
Seriously. Shut up for a second.
Look. I get it. So many others are lined up...
My first red carpet
Just got home from my first red carpet event for the film I produced: Fools on the HIll. I’ve never done the red carpet from the inside before - I’m used to being the one interviewing people.
So crazy!!!! I hope I did ok. It was so surreal.. I was all such a blur. All I know is that I am very proud of everyone involved in the project.
Wow.
and also WOW.
November 2011
10 posts
Check out the trailer that I made for the... →
Fools On The Hill:
A film about political ethics and legislative incompetence that follows one man’s attempts to require politicians to actually read the Bills they are passing — which, strangely, is not currently required anywhere in the U.S.
Me watching the first 5 minutes of Harry Potter...
Me: Who’s that guy? Is that Hogwart?
Him: No. That’s Voldemort.
Me: Oh… OK. Where’s Hogwart?
Him: There isn’t a Hogwart. Hogwart’s is a school.
Me: Oh.
* 1 minute passes.*
Me: OK. So now THIS must be Hogwart’s.
Him: No. They’re at a safe house.
Me: So are Hermione and Harry going to get together OR WHAT?
Him: She’s with the other...
For Halloween I went as the scariest person I could think of…
October 2011
17 posts
Saw these guys at a Halloween party and all I could say was “OH MY GODDD OHHHHHHHHMYYYYYYYGODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!”
I effing LOVE Halloween.