THE BAYNE EXISTENCE

OHHHH BILLY…

I always think that going to Ikea is going to be super fun. I’ll get to look at cool quirky Swedish things. Laugh at the names, enjoy the layouts and chow down on some cheap-o meatballs. BORK BORK BORK!!! Ha! Ha! Oh, those crazy Swedes. AM I RIGHT???

But the combination of fluorescent lighting, regurgitated air, and all the Shovey McShoversons who bring their screaming kids to run rampant amongst the furniture. After all, it’s just one big playground, right?

No, it isn’t. Hit the ball room, punks. Leave the furniture to those who can put it together.

And by the time I reach the lighting section, I am exhausted. I can barely find the energy to continue. My legs… so…heavy… eyelids… closing… the room is spinning… the arrows on the floor keep leading me back to the cabinet section.

How did I end up in a Darren Aronofsky film, and more importantly, HOW do I get out of this EFFING HELL HOLE?? I’m FUKKT!!!!!

Heavy Metals

Whenever I see these guys on the pier that are painted gold and silver, I always wonder if they started off their first day at the pier BOTH in gold…

Gold Guy #1: HEY! What the hell, man? 

Gold Guy #2: What’s your problem, dude?

Gold Guy #1: There ain’t room enough on this pier for TWO gold guys, man.

Gold Guy #2: Then maybe you should go home. And what are you gonna do about it?

Gold Guy #1: There’s only one thing we CAN do about it.

Gold Guy #2: Oh- I know…

Gold Guys (in unison):  A Statue Off.

… and so they both sat atop their apple boxes for 3 hours, glaring at each other in complete stillness, until one of them twitched.

Thus, silver guy was born.

THE END

Forever Yours

Oh, how I love Forever 21. 

If you’ve never been. It’s glorious!!! The stores are crammed to the hilt with every kind of shirt/pant/scarf/legging/jegging you could possibly imagine.

And most of it’s under 20 bucks! The hell you say!

Some of you may cringe at the thought of buying cheap clothing, but it has its rewards.

Example: Let’s say you want to try out the latest trend of ghetto fabulous fur vests that you are NO DOUBT going to look back at in 6 months and think ‘What in the love of goat’s milk was I thinking here??? I LOOK LIKE A YETI. Hide the photos! HALP!!!! I didn’t really LIKE the trend, it’s just that everybody was doing it, so that made it OK.’

Then you remember that you paid upwards of $300.00 for it. Ouch! Hurts- don’t it?

So what are you really paying for when you buy into these expensive trends?  Impending shame, that’s what.

And shame can come MUCH cheaper. Trust me.

Plus, inexpensive clothing also means that you won’t feel bad if you accidentally spill red wine on it, tear it, or even spill red wine on it.

Or, if you lend it to a friend who then doesn’t return it, and then pretends that she never borrowed it in the first place. And the next day you see her in photos on facebook wearing THAT very shirt. Isn’t that right, JESSICA?

But who cares? It was 7 bucks. And for 7 bucks, you just unearthed the fact that your friend is a total wanker.

And that, dear reader, is priceless.

The Runaway

When I was a kid, I went through a phase where I would bi-weekly threaten to ‘run away’ from home. 

‘Running Away’ consisted of me loudly announcing ‘I’M RUNNING AWAY!!!’ followed by my gathering some essentials (usually my Glo-Worm doll, some light reading and a few pairs of shoes). 

All of this would go into my hobo stick that I had fashioned out of a yardstick and a baby blanket. After all, this was how rebels used to do it. The young and misunderstood. The adventurers and explorers. The fugitives and outlaws.

Also, Bugs Bunny.

I sniffled as I waved goodbye from the door, ‘You’ll learn to go on without me…’ I’d say, and then I’d walk for about 2 blocks - then run back, TERRIFIED. I’d always mutter that I had forgotten something and had to come back home.

It happened so often that it reached the point where no one even blinked. In fact, one time as I was packing, my older sister (barely looking up from her Archie comic) motioned to her suitcase and advised that I should take that instead, ‘so that you won’t FORGET ANYTHING this time.’ While my younger sister asked gleefully if she could have my room when I was gone.

I’m not sure if it was the complete indifference that they showed me, or the fact that using a suitcase was terribly unromantic for a hip, young runaway like myself…

… but I never ‘ran away’ again.